Being Bernie Brewer

"I led the league in 'Go get 'em next time.'" -- Brewers Hall of Fame radio announcer Bob Uecker.

ESPN's Page 2 recently penned an historical expose called "Woe is the Milwaukee Brewers," a year-by-year recollection of the team's struggles on the field since its last playoff appearance.

As a life-long Brewers fan, I'm here to happily expound on that, having lived through this mayhem first-hand (hey, it's been borderline funny, if you have a good sense of humor).

Here is an irreverant season-by-season breakdown, going all the way back to 1983, the season after the Brewers' historic World Series appearance. I think this will be a more accurate representation of just how life as a Brewers fan has been ...

1983: Team traded center-field stalwart Gorman Thomas to the Cleveland Indians for Rick Manning, whose 20 home runs over four and a half seasons with the Brewers fell 19 short of Thomas' 1982 total.

1984: In a precursor of things to come, injury-prone Paul Molitor played in just 13 games as the Brewers fell six losses short of 100 defeats on the season.

1985: Pitcher Danny Darwin finishes a dismal 8-18, including a club record 10 straight losses, but manages to pitch a one-hitter, two-hitter and three-hitter, becoming the first Brewer hurler to do so.

1986: Gorman Thomas returns to the Brewers, but newcomer Teddy Higuera steals his thunder, as he becomes the first 20-game winner for the Brewers since Mike Caldwell in 1978.

1987: Brewers win first 13 games of season, which included a no-hitter by Juan Nieves and a magical Easter Sunday at County Stadium, but then went on to lose 18 of 20 games in May. Ouch! Paul Molitor's 39-game hitting streak only cemented the '87 Brewers' reputation as "Team Streak."

1988: Gary Sheffield begins a despicable four-year run with the Brewers.

1989: Sheffield is touted as an American League Rookie of the Year candidate, then goes on to intentionally throw balls into the stands after fielding grounders to prompt a trade.

"The Brewers brought out the hate in me," an honest Sheffield admitted in 1992. "I was a crazy man. I hated everything about the place. If the official scorer gave me an error I didn't think was an error, I'd say, 'OK, here's a real error,' and I'd throw the next ball into the stands on purpose.'"

1990: In typical fashion, Rob Deer smacks 27 home runs, but whiffs 147 times, in his final season with the team. From 1986 through 1990, his strikeout totals during this five-season stretch with the Brewers is the stuff of legend ... 179, 186, 153, 158 and 147.

1991: Sal Bando is named Senior Vice President at season's end, and then hires Phil Garner, a.k.a. "Scrapiron," as manager.

1992: Brewers finish 92-70, and then forced Milwaukee fans to wait another 15 years before seeing their team finish above .500 again.

1993: Franchise cornerstone Robin Yount concludes a remarkable 20-year career with the Brewers. Yount collected his 3,000th hit late in the 1992 season, thus assuring his place in Cooperstown in 1999.

1994: Brewers change their uniforms to these atrocities, thus ushering in an era of futility. Yes, you can totally blame hideously ugly uniforms for a team's poor performance on the field.

1995: Against their fans' best wishes, the team returns from baseball's devastating strike to finish 65-79.

1996: After finishing the season just two games under .500, the Brewers break ground on what will eventually become Miller Park.

1997: Ancient reliever Doug Jones records 36 saves, which would be a Brewers record for two seasons (broken by Bob Wickman's 37 saves in 1999).

1998: The Brewers become the first team in Major League Baseball history to switch leagues, moving over to the National League to accomodate the expansion Arizona Diamondbacks and Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

1999: Tragedy strikes at the construction site of Miller Park, thus delaying the opening of the park for another year.

2000: The Brewers' season opens with a tie against the Cincinnati Reds when weather forces the game to be suspended. Later in the season, with their playoff hopes totally shattered, the Brewers and Indians execute a seven-player trade that sends Rickie Sexson to Milwaukee.

2001: Back when his approval rating was still at an acceptable level, President George W. Bush takes time off from his duties as the nation's fearless leader to witness in person the Brewers' first game at Miller Park, a 5-4 victory over the Reds.

On an unrelated note, the new state-of-the-art stadium didn't feature Bernie Brewer's signature chalet and beer mug, just a crappy slide onto a platform. Lame!

2002: Miller Park hosts the All-Star Game, which results in the first tie in the Mid-Summer Classic's history. This event created quite a stir at the time, and prompted the "This time it counts" winner-gets-home-field-advantage-in-World Series All-Star Game that baseball fans enjoy today.

On the field, Jose Hernandez makes a magical run at the single-season record for whiffs, and the Brewers finish 56-106, the worst record in franchise history.

2003: Brewers fall two games short of getting their fans free hamburgers at George Webb's during a magical 10-game ride in August.

2004: At season's end, Los Angeles financier Mark Attanasio becomes the new owner of the team, thus ushering in a new era of hope for Brewers fans and ending Bud Selig and family's reign.

2005: Sporting an 81-79 record with two to playand threatening to have the first winning season in 13 years, the Brewers lose the final two games of the season in Pittsburgh to finish at an even .500.

2006: Injuries and a 27-54 road record doom the Brewers to a 75-87 record.

2007: Brewers blow eight and a half game lead in the NL Central. I pinpoint this disappointing collapse to one game ... a 6-5 loss to the Cubs on Friday, June 29, a game which my friend Aaron and I watched at Kate O'Brien's in San Francisco. Thankfully, we were sporting a healthy buzz fueled by wicked-awesome Bloody Marys and beer.

2008: In biggest oopsy-daisy of the Major League Baseball offseason, the Brewers sign reliever Eric Gagne to a lucrative free-agent contract.